“THE BOOK” PART 1

  • heal

    April 16

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Recovery, Sydney

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    Outside of being extremely angry and really questioning God and my faith, the months after were a blur.
    Only a few friends and family members knew we miscarried our second child. The loss of Sydney was extremely difficult but losing life a second time 2 months later threw me onto an emotional roller coaster for the ages.  One minute I seemed stable and the next I lay on the floor crying and shouting things about God that I knew deep down weren’t true.

     

    I no longer cared to read the Bible, attend church, or even think about this God who was supposed to be all loving.  I tried to be a good christian woman by speaking myself out of the funk I was in but it didn’t work — the words were hollow and meaningless.  I began to wonder if my faith was ever real, or if it was simply something I believed because that’s how I was taught as a child.  If there was a God, how could he allow something like this to happen to one of his children?

     

    This pit lasted for several months.  It had an immense strain on me and I’m sure put a strain on my relationship with Jason.  I would lash out at him in anger over seemingly little things.  Nothing in my life seemed to be going right.  The seasons around me changed, but my personal season of despair remained.

     

    – The Beginning of Hope –

     

    In a way that I still can’t explain, God began to reveal himself to me.  In the strangest ways, it seemed like every direction I turned I stumbled into a passage of scripture that spoke directly to me.  Here is one of my favorites:

    Though the apples are worm-eaten
    and the wheat fields stunted,
    Though the sheep pens are sheepless
    and the cattle barns empty,
    I’m singing joyful praise to God.
    I’m turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
    Counting on God’s Rule to prevail,
    I take heart and gain strength.

    Habakkuk 3:17-19

    This passage comes from Habakkuk, a short book buried near the end of the old testament.  It gives a ‘fly on the wall’ view into a unique conversation with God.  I tend to sum it up as:

    Habakkuk complains to God.

    God: Shut up and trust me.

    Habakkuk complains a second time to God.

    God: Shut up and trust me. 

    Habakkuk: Ok God, I trust you.

    Words can’t express the sea of pain, anger, and loneliness I felt during the months following the ‘Great Sadness’.  But sometimes in the most painful moments of life we see God in a completely new way.

    This verse was one of many that jumped off of the page during this time of my life.  In my darkest, ugliest, most miserable moments…God is still seated in heaven…in total control.  This was comforting to some degree but still didn’t fill the void I felt.  Then I got a gift from a friend.

    – Kia –

    After meeting Kia for the first time I stood in awe of finding another girl like me.  We were introduced by a joint mentor couple and were amazed that we had similar upbringings, both played sports and married athletes, and both shared the same common interests.

    We became pregnant around the same time and shared many conversations, lunches, and Facebook chats about the future of our kids.  “Would they date?…How often would we play together?…What if they were born on the same day?”.  You can imagine how rough things became once we lost Sydney.  Although it was nothing personal, I found it impossible to be around her.  It served as a stark reminder of the joy and expectancy I could no longer feel.

    One day I finally mustered up the courage to chat with Kia online.  I knew that I needed to apologize for completely cutting her off; after all, she wasn’t the cause of my misfortune.  We exchanged a few pleasantries and caught up on each other’s lives.  Her delivery had gone well and she was a full bloom mom…poopy diapers, sippy cups, baby weight and all.  I felt the flood of emotions creeping up while we were chatting but managed to keep things together long enough to have a decent conversation.

    She asked if I had heard of the book  Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize.  I hadn’t, so she continued to share about how it helped her with feelings of doubt and worry during her pregnancy.  I checked out the reviews online and didn’t quite know what to think.  Painless pregnancy?  Praying for your kid’s hair color?  At first look, it seemed out there.  But I was willing to give it a try if it had worked for Kia.

    The following Sunday Kia and I met up after the 9 AM service.  We exchanged hugs, and to my surprise, she handed me a new copy of the book.

    …I was on my way to figuring out this painless birth business…

    —

    Hey Friend: thank you for taking a moment out of your day to read my story.  So many have expressed a desire to share what God has brought you through…I’d love for this to be the platform you use to share it with the world (or at least the 10,000 that visit this site).  Just shoot me an email or join the Facebook page (nearly 2,000 likes so far).

    Thank you again…to God be the glory~

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